Love That Lasts

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It has been a long season of waiting for me. My last relationship was over a year and a half ago, and left me with so much clarity about love and life and what I wanted. I was ready to pursue God with all my heart, I was ready to change, and I was ready for a new beginning.

It was a roller coaster ride for me. I had always been in relationships, and putting my identity in relationships instead of in Christ. I had to learn to be single, and not rely on a man to tell me my worth. I wanted to change, I wanted the real thing.

This season was dedicated to learning how to be slow to anger, quick to listen, and slow to speak. I wanted to fix many things about myself before I pursued someone else. I wanted to fix my insecurities, my fears, and all the wrong things that I thought I knew about love and relationships. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to put all of my energy in becoming a better “Bailee” and focusing on my future. Of course, in the back of my mind, I thought about love and a relationship… as many girls do.

I “dated” guys, and considered pursuing a relationship with a few of them. But I wasn’t going to settle, and the moment I knew there was nothing worth pursuing, I decided to end things. That was a big deal for me; I was choosing to be single in this world full of engagement posts and updated relationship statuses.

I prayed everyday for God to send me my “someone.” I was ready to work and I wanted to be someone that a man had always wanted. I wanted to finally love the way that God had taught me in this season of being single. I wanted to put myself to the test.

Finally meeting a man totally worth pursuing, and being the person that I am, I craved perfection. I did not want to mess it up. I had FINALLY been attracted to someone for everything that they were and I wanted them to be attracted to me in all the same ways. I wanted to love and serve in a way I had learned in my season of waiting from the Bible and church services.

Then, my best friend Lauren (who is getting married to the love of her life in June!!!!), posted about this book “Love That Lasts.” At the bottom of the cover, it read “How We Discovered God’s Better Way for Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex.” I bought it on Amazon for $12 I believe, and it was the best $12 I have ever spent.

I read the book in about a week… I couldn’t put it down. I had read many other books that were related to the same topic i.e. religion and love. But this one was REAL about love. It changed my perspective on a lot of things in a week!! It’s written by a husband and a wife, alternating chapters. I find myself relating to both of them all of the time, and I even went back and started highlighting throughout their chapters because they had so much wisdom all throughout the book.

Their love story is not a normal love story, which was endearing to me. It isn’t a fairy tale, and they don’t believe they are each other’s soulmates. They aren’t each other’s “everything,” but they have an unconditional love for one another. They love Jesus more than they love each other, and they don’t “need each other’s love.” Their story is an interesting perspective to love and marriage.

While I still hope to be “good enough”, I know perfection is unrealistic and there will always be room for improvement on becoming a better woman of God. There’s so many things I still struggle with even after the year and a half of working on myself, but I have finally accepted that someone will want you despite the flaws. It’s so exciting to meet someone who makes you want to be that person, who makes you want to be a better version of yourself.

While I am perfectly flawed and still struggle with many insecurities and fears, this book made me realize how imperfect and flawed love is. Love is hard work, and it’s something that is ongoing work. Obsessing with perfection puts an unrealistic expectation on our relationships that will ultimately end in failure. I am so excited for this new journey and I really hope you all read this book as well!

My heart has been put to a challenge and I can’t wait to discover all the good that comes from it! If you want a good read that will change your heart, I encourage you to read this book!!

If you are interested in purchasing the book, here is the link for a $12 paperback!! I even included a free preview of it! So worth it!

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Living fearlessly

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The amount of times I have broken down crying this year is ridiculous. It’s just a weird time of my life, and I hate the fact that I don’t have a plan.

I have always been the type of person who has had a plan; my calendar and reminders are what keep me sane.

I will be graduating in May, which I was not expecting. I honestly thought I would at least be graduating a semester late since I changed my major so much, but here I am; graduating in less than a year with no clue where my life is headed.

This is the year I receive the “what are your plans after graduation?” question frequently. And I am going to have to answer with “you know, I have absolutely no clue.”

I even keep trying to come up with ways to stay in school, so my date to enter the real world can be further into the future when I don’t have to worry about it.

The more people ask me about my life, the more I stress. The more I worry about finding a job, a husband, a place to live, etc., the more doubts I have, the more fears I have.

I feel as if everyone is moving on with their life, and here I am. Still just going through the motions everyday, watching everybody do something around me while I stand still.

And that’s just me being selfish; as happy as I am to see people grow and God’s plans for their lives starting to unfold, I can’t help but be impatient.

I know I am not the only one feeling this way; as I turn to my friends for some words of encouragement and advice, I find they feel the same way. This time in our lives is just a time where we are finally about to find out what we are really made of. It’s time. We are about to start really “adulting,” even though we doubt how ready we are.

So I decided, this was my year to finally live fearlessly. I have prayed on it many times and I am finally starting to let go of the fact that I am not in control of my future.

God’s plan for me is far more extraordinary than I can even fathom. I literally have no clue where my life is headed. I have no hints either… but, I decided it was time to finally let go of all the doubts and fears that Satan has placed in my head.

I encourage everyone to purchase and read Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind. It is such a good read; I read it in two days. Especially at this time in my life, I have just been allowing Satan to take over my happiness and my faith in God’s plan.

One of my favorite chapters of the book talks about how if you do not believe good things are going to happen to you, they won’t. You have to believe that there is good to come. I  even find myself saying “I’m never going to find a job,” or “I am going to be single forever,” or “I’ll never find my place.” Satan continues to attack us with doubt and disbelief because he knows how dangerous we can be with a heart full of faith.

Why am I so fearful of what is to come? God has a plan, “a plan to prosper you and not harm you, to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Why am I so doubtful of my future? I can continue to make plans, but only the Lord’s plans will prevail. Proverbs 19:21.

Why am I so anxious? “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31.

The change of heart and the renewal of my mind have drastically changed the way I live my life. I KNOW I will graduate and get a job, and be a successful woman. I KNOW one day, I will find the love of my life if I patiently wait and trust His plan. I KNOW I will end up where I need to be, doing what I need to do, with whom I need to be with. I will continue to grow in this renewal and definitely struggle at times, but this upcoming year will be most challenging, and that’s why I want to live fearless in faith and in His plans.

“Lord, my heart is overwhelmed and worrisome. I know I am impatient and prone to worry. Help me rest in Your promises today. Renew my joy in this season of waiting so I do not miss Your presence. Defend me from the enemy who tells me there is no hope. Let your grace alone be enough for me. Cast out the doubt, teach me to not be a slave to negative emotions. Because of your grace and spirit, I can tell those emotions to be removed and to turn my eyes to things of You, instead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

 

Why I’ll wait

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There are many reasons why I’ll wait to give my heart to someone to love.

First off, I don’t want to give my heart to someone who is undeserving. Why give my fragile, feminine heart to someone who won’t fully appreciate it? I deserve to be looked after; I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be thought of first.

There are so many men who claim they are ready to pursue someone’s heart, but fail to learn how to love someone. Immaturity, honestly. Not that they are immature as a person, they just have yet to prepare themselves to be committed or unselfish.

There are many times when I have tried to give my heart, time, and attention to a guy who was not ready. Either they have yet to figure out how to love themselves without requiring another person to tell them why they’re worthy of it, or they simply thought they were ready to fully care for someone, but weren’t or changed their mind.

Secondly, I have grown up with separated parents. When I was eight years old, my parents divorced. Although the divorce was definitely for the better, and created a stronger relationship between my brother and I, and our parents… it was hard.

Divorce happens, and I got to witness it firsthand. Sometimes there is no other option, but it’s difficult for everyone who is affected by it. My mom had to put a brave face on and act like nothing was wrong for the sake of my brother and I. My dad had to work his butt off to get to where he is today; he started from the bottom to get to where he is today.

I am beyond thankful that I went through a family crisis, it made me who I am today. It also taught me that divorce WILL NOT be an option when I get married.

My life was great. I was still raised by two loving parents who cared for my brother and I more than anything. I am happy with the person I am today; I have overcome many adversities in my life that have shaped me and my heart.

But no doubt, it stunk. I had to pack every weekend to go from house to house. We weren’t as wealthy as the other students in my school district which made it hard for me to understand why I couldn’t always do the things my classmates got to do. The divorce definitely humbled me, I think if it wouldn’t have happened then I would be more of a spoiled brat than I already am. At times I was also put in positions to choose between my father and my mother, and I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it feels to go through that. When we got to choose whether we wanted to spend a holiday with mom or dad, I honestly wanted to choose neither. I didn’t want one to even doubt for a second I loved the other more. You feel like they have a count going, which parent you prefer more… what you did for one, but not for the other. And when you have to listen to people (even your own family members) talk bad about people you love, it puts you in an uncomfortable position especially at a young age. I finally just tuned it out, I knew the divorce made people upset at one another… but it happened.

So I pray my kids never have to go through that. I want them to know without a doubt the love their parents have for each other. I want my kids to get embarrassed when their parents show too much PDA. I want them to think of their parents when they hear the words “unconditional love.”

Trust is a big issue I have. Giving someone my trust is a hard thing for me to do, and at our age there’s not many guys I think I would trust in a relationship. I have witnessed many people in happy relationships (supposedly) do or say things that I’m sure their other half wouldn’t be too happy about. And I’m not saying all guys are untrustworthy,  I know many that are too! And girls vice versa. Of course at our age, it’s kind of a given. There’s so many temptations around us, and some just don’t know how to ignore them.

It’s also hard to find good men because we are looking for them in all the wrong places. I feel like the only chance I will get to meet my future spouse is at Chimy’s on a Friday night when they have some liquid courage to say something that catches my attention. Why can’t it just be easy? It seems like I make the first move for guys I’m interested in and it never works out, or guys actually get the guts to say something and it doesn’t work out. Why can’t I just meet a good lookin’ boy in class who will quote The Office with me, and that wants to have deeper conversations than just one worded texts with “what’s up” being the beginning of every conversation? That doesn’t happen anymore, not for our generation at least.

I’ve seen so many of my friends settle. I’ve seen my friends get treated like dirt because they think they can’t do better. FUN FACT: YOU CAN. It’s so hard watching people you love not get appreciated in the ways they deserve. But I’m one to talk… I’ve settled in relationships before, just because I was tired of being lonely. I thought someone was “the one” and I wasted valuable time on someone when I could be working on myself to prepare my heart to find THE ACTUAL ONE. I allowed someone into my heart that was undeserving. I pictured what my future husband would say to me, or how he would treat me, and I allowed someone to treat me differently. And that’s when I learned that it takes time. The worst part is waiting; the best part will be having someone that was worth the wait.

So yeah, I get upset that I have yet to find that person… it totally gets lonely, but I would rather be upset and impatient now than heartbroken in the future. That’s why I’ll wait.

Forgiven

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Y’all, I love the Lord with all my heart. He does not ever fail. He continuously forgives. I’m the first to say that I am a sinner and don’t live to be the perfect woman of God I am set out to be.

I am full of flaws and imperfections, and I’ll be the first to admit it.

But Jesus died on the cross for our sins to be forgiven.

So for all of my blog followers who do not know me personally or really all that well at all, I want you to know that though my relationship may seem strong and consistent with God through my blogs perspective, but it’s not. I want to get real with you so you know, I am not perfect and I KNOW I AM NOT. Blogging has always been a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out to the world, it’s such a positive influence on me to continue to write and encourage others. While I am encouraging others, I want you all to know that I fail too. Hypocrisy at it’s finest. Trying to encourage others to continue to work on their relationship with God while sometimes I fail at doing the same thing. This is a time for me to be vulnerable.

There are some days when saying a prayer slips my mind completely.

I am insecure.

I lie.

I get envious.

My priorities are not always straight and I may make material or worldly things “godly.”

Sometimes I focus on how I look too much.

Sometimes I stress about things that are not worth stressing about.

Sometimes I focus on guys too much.

Sometimes I go out and have fun with my friends, and choose not to go to church on Sunday’s because I would rather sleep in.

Sometimes I talk to my friends or just keep my worries and struggles to myself instead of taking them straight to the Lord.

I will never be satisfied with the woman that I am, I will never stop working on myself.

I am a busy college student, as many of us are, and sometimes choose fun, work, guys, and school over my time with the Heavenly Father.

I am many things and do many things, but I am also a follower of Christ and that is the beauty of it all.

But that doesn’t mean I am failing or falling away from my relationship with Him. I may have days where I drift more than others, but I will always come back; most of the time even stronger.

I know a few people that are strong in their faith, but continue to put others down because they are living their lives differently. That’s not how God intended us to be. That pushes others away from Christ more than anything in my opinion.

He seeks me and wants me more and more everyday, as do I… even though some days I fail to show it.

Recently, I have just been overwhelmed with the hate due to the election, from the holidays or coming back to school/work. It hurts my heart to see one another so hateful to each other.

We all live our lives differently, Christian or not. With that said, we are all sinning so why are we judging others for how they choose to live? That is not our job. It’s not our job to try to fix things that we “think” are broken.

I fail at this as well, but it is a hateful thing to do to others as Christians.  Sometimes people may wander from God, but that does not mean they don’t know it already. And while it is our job as Christians to encourage each other to return our faith, it’s not our job to condemn one another. Being hateful, judgmental, and critical is not what we are here for.

I am guilty of this. I am judgmental and critical. I gossip. And although I really strive to be the nicest person I can possibly be to all, I can be hateful too. Ask my Mom for a primary source. WE ARE HUMAN. And it is forgiven. But it is the Lord’s job to do the condemning.

And while my life through my blog may seem like I “have it all together,” I can tell you firsthand that I am nowhere even close.

That doesn’t mean I am not striving for the perfect relationship with the Lord either. Social media has became such a big part of our lives that we forget what happens behind closed doors. I have witnessed this firsthand. I say this because social media is our main medium for putting others down. One of my favorite couples (who I considered to be “goals”) got a divorce last year. They seemed perfectly happy, with two young children. But not everything is as it seems. Sometimes someone is posting about how glorious and flawless their life is, but they could be going through things that no one knows about. And as for me, I may come off as someone who has their relationship with the Lord perfectly coming together in my blogs, but I fail every single day. And I know that. Just follow me on twitter and you’ll hear about my daily struggles and rants.

I use my blog as my journal, kind of as an motivator to continue to work on my relationship with the Lord. It reminds me that I set an example for others and need to continue to positively influence them, and not me telling the world that I have it all together… because I don’t.

In the Bible, there is a story about how a woman was caught in adultery. As they were about to stone her to death, Jesus began writing in the sand. He stands up replied “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.” John 8:7. The crowd began to disperse one by one until there was no one left.

So while we may judge others for their sins, let’s reflect on our own sins. Are we living the life that God intended? Is my life gravitating people towards the Lord? Are we encouraging each other to be the best women and men of God? Maybe we aren’t. I know that I fail at times and maybe others can see through that, but I try my best. As I know we all do.

I had a conversation with a man at work one day who refused to go to church because he thought his sins were so great. He told me to my face that God hasn’t dealt with someone like him before. And people (even Christians) resented him for it. GOOD NEWS…. HE HAS DEALT WITH ALL OF US. ALL SINNERS. Every single one of us. We are all equal in the eyes of the Lord. And He is good, and He is accepting; no matter who we are or what we have done. FOREVER.

“Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.”

While I may not constantly preach the Bible on every social media page I have, or while every word that comes out of my mouth may not be so Christ-like… I am a woman of God. I am forgiven.

Mom

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Mom, thank you for being the best mother any growing woman needs.

You were there for me through everything.

Every heartbreak, you were there to comfort me.

Every fight with a friend, you were there to help me fix it.

Every decision, you were there to help me make it.

Thank you for answering the phone when I call.

Thank you for cooking me breakfast when you know I had a rough day prior.

Thank you for doing all the “adulting” things that I have yet to figure out.

But most of all, thank you for never giving up on being the best mother you could possibly be.

I know it wasn’t easy.

I know I was hard to live with.

I know it was hard making decisions that I wouldn’t necessarily like.

I know it was hard telling me no.

I know it was hard fighting with me.

But thank you for living with me.

Thank you for making decisions that I would later thank you for.

Thank you for telling me no.

Thank you for fighting with me when I didn’t know I was in the wrong.

You’re the mother I strive to be like.

You’re the woman I strive to become.

Thank you for teaching me how to create my own happiness.

You taught me to stay focused on my relationship with the Heavenly Father, and to trust in His plans.

I pray you never ever doubt for a second that you have been a bad mother.

I only hope one day I can make homemade macaroni and spaghetti like you.

Thank you for teaching me that sarcasm is just a second love language.

I am slowly turning into a version of you… I hear your voice in my voice, your laugh in my laugh, and your attitude and sarcasm in my words.

Who knew that “omg I sound like my mother” could be such a comforting statement.

Thank you for giving me the absolute worst haircut you could give to a 3-year-old girl… it made for some funny pictures.

Thank you for always being that what seemed to be an “overbearing, overprotective, strict” parent.

I am now very thankful for that.

I have learned the value of independence because of you.

Even when you were in your darkest days, you never once let me see it.

You were strong.

You were selfless.

You were incredible.

I pray you know how hard it is now knowing that you only ever had my best interest at heart.

You taught me what an unconditional love really was.

Thank you for your often “I’m proud of you” texts.

Thank you for working your booty off to provide for me.

Thank you for showing me that there is joy and peace in loving yourself.

Thank you for supporting me in all I do, and helping me become the best woman of God I can be.

I love you, Momma.

‘Tis the season for engagements

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I want to start this blog by congratulating all the happy couples that got engaged this year! What an exciting time in your life. To be honest, I creep on your Instagram after every engagement and pray that I am invited to the wedding (even if I have no clue who you are). Weddings are my favorite; just watching love do its thing is so cool. So congratulations on finding “the One,” and I pray your house is filled with Jesus and love forever!

But, this post is not for you. It’s for us single ladies who secretly get discouraged every post we see. Y’all, I’m right there with you. I always pictured myself finding my soulmate in college and getting engaged before I graduated. And as the my graduation date comes nearer, I start to realize that God has different plans. But, every single day He shows me why His plan is far greater than what I can comprehend.

My parents have been there through every breakup, every tear shed over every guy who has hurt me, and every overreaction I have had due to a relationship. And every time my Dad says something like “Bailee, your time will come. And it will usually come when you least expect it.” But, HELLO. How am I supposed to patiently wait for my soulmate when I have dreamed of becoming a bride since before I could do simple multiplication? I had the bridal Barbie, watched every movie that pertained to weddings, and of course binge-watched “Say Yes to the Dress“. On top of that, it feels like I am surrounded by happy couples and Facebook reminders to insure I know that everyone is engaged except for me.

There have been times in my life when I have even started to wonder why His plan is the way that it is. I started to ask God what I was doing so wrong. Do I ask for too much? Am I just picky? Are my standard too high? What is so wrong with me? One night I was really feeling down as I was driving around Lubbock (probably just being overemotional), and turned on KLOVE to jam to some Jesus tunes. During a commercial break, the DJ read off the verse Ephesians 3:20-21 which reads “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that words in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever!” She went on about how we do not need to become discouraged, God will give you what you have asked for if you just stay patient. It was really an eye opener for me.

With that said, I may ask for a husband, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get one. While I catch myself thinking about my future with my future hubby, there is no promise that He will give me one. I may be single forever and while that scares the heckins out of me, I know my joy comes from the Lord. No man will ever take His place, nor be the only thing that will bring light to my life. My eyes are set on the Son, and if He thinks I should be single… so be it.

I also want to state how I tend to write out what my perfect man will possess. Even in my past blogs, I have written many things about what I want my husband to be like or act like. And to be honest, I have met many men who probably meet 98% of the criteria of the things that I “think” that I want. But man, it goes so beyond that. I may think I have a plan for my life, and I may think I have life all figured out, but God has a funny way of showing me that He is the one in control.

Y’all, His plan for us is beyond what we can even fathom. Everyone’s timeline is different. Patience has always been something I have struggled with until this year. We are young. We have all of our lives to find the earthly someone to whom our hearts belong! But while we wait for him, know that your cherished and feminine heart ultimately belongs to the Lord Almighty. It’s a lot easier to work on ourselves to become the women of God that our husbands are seeking than to continue to search everyday to find the man of God that is set out to cherish us forever.

I am not going to settle for someone just because I like to think that I am ready. I am not going to settle just because I become dismayed that everyone else is taking that “next step” in their life. I want that everlasting love that God has set out for me! While my plan may not be the exact same as His, I know He knows better.

I don’t want to ever go through a divorce. I never want to have to wonder if my marriage is still genuine and full of love. So while we all celebrate our friends and loved ones moving on with their lives, let’s embrace this time of ours and enjoy the process. Let’s be engaged into our lives right now and not worry about the future. Let’s trust the Lord in His planning and His timing. And let us pray to Him and rely on Him in the times we are not so sure of ourselves. Keep doin’ you.

 

 

 

One of those days

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Do you ever just have one of those days where you feel like every little thing is going wrong? Your alarm clock doesn’t go off, you forgot homework was due, or you just CANNOT wing your eyeliner perfectly even if your life depended on it.

Today was one of those days for me. Every little thing was frustrating me, and I was focusing so much on all the had gone wrong that I was blinded by all the joy today.

Today, I got to talk to both of my parents on the phone. It was a good day.

The weather was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Perfect fall weather, and the leaves are slowly starting to change (finally!). It was a good day.

I got to see two of my best friends before noon, while one gave me the biggest hug knowing that my day was not going as I wanted it to. It was a good day.

A sweet girl texted me and told me she was praying for me, when I needed it most. It was a good day.

Right when I got to the bus stop, the bus driver closed the doors and I missed the bus. BUT, while waiting for the next bus, I caught up with an old friend from high school. It was a good day.

A stranger commented on one of my blogs and told me how inspiring it was. She said how she wanted to start changing her perspective on life and was going to share it with her daughters. I think that is so cool. It was a good day.

What I am trying to say is, a bad day only last 24 hours. And even in a bad day, there comes good with it. You have to remind yourself that you have so far survived 100% of the bad days that Satan has thrown at you in the past. YOU ARE WINNING BECAUSE GOD HAS WON.

Sometimes you need those bad days; it makes you appreciate the good ones. You have to remind yourself that some people would love to have your bad days. There is good in everyday, you can’t give up on hope that something good is coming. You also have to remind yourself that you are not the only one that has bad days. The fact that I got a text from someone saying they were praying for me was one of the sweetest gestures she could have done. Now when I know someone is having a bad day, I am going to text them and tell them I am praying for them. And when my best friend knew I was having an emotional breakdown and just hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay, I knew it was going to be.

While I am saying to not give up on the good that each day brings, some days I am an emotional wreck, AND IT IS OK. People have bad days, people cry. Some days we spend all our energy trying to keep it together when we don’t need to. Don’t swallow your tears or harden your heart, that is a costly way to live life! “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can endure and overcome it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13. Grief helps heal! Jesus stated that He himself was “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” Isaiah 53:3. 

I read in the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge, to let the tears come! There is no emotion in the world that Jesus cannot handle.

So, while I pray that everyone had a good day, I know that some did not… like me. KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON. I am praying for you.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I promise there will be good in tomorrow!!

“It gets better.” Romans 8:18.

 

 

 

Finding my worth

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Dear Lord,

Thank you for showing me my worth.

Thank you for not letting me sit in my room and pout about not being everything someone else wanted.

Thank you for leading me to the higher road.

Thank you for putting me in a position to test my strength and challenge myself.

I know I deserve better, and I know I’m not going to settle until I find it.

Thank you for healing me.

I know You yearn for a relationship with me.

Thank you for showing me that You have a plan for my life; I do not need to take control.

Thank you for teaching me to draw near to You when my heart is aching,  and I am overflowing in self-doubt & condemning thoughts.

Thank you for teaching me that a feminine, Godly precious heart is something worth recovering.

Thank you for taking control of my fear of vulnerability.

Thank you for helping me let go of the feeling of being easily replaceable.

I am not her, and she is not me.

Thank you for taking over and teaching me to let go of the crippling fear & lie from Satan that my heart has been abandoned.

It is time for restoration, and my heart is ready.

Thank you for teaching me that I will never find true happiness without fully forgiving those who have wronged me. Matthew 5:44

And also, for teaching me to be happy for those who have wronged me.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so does he become.” Proverbs 23:7

Teach me to control my thoughts.

I have let go of the thoughts I have obsessed over for so long, I no longer want the enemy to take control of my mind.

Teach me to stop comparing myself to others, teach me to love my uniqueness, my strengths, and my weaknesses.

Teach me to strive off of my strengths & not my enemy’s weaknesses.

Thank you for showing me that there is a fairytale out there, and that I will be rewarded by my patience.

Thank you for wanting me and loving me, and helping me let go of the fact that I need a man to satisfy my heart.

Thank you for teaching me it’s better to love when I am ready, and not when I am lonely; for that will only bring heartbreak.

Human attention will only temporarily heal my heart, while You are the only one who will fix those insecurities & permanently mend the hurt.

Teach me to stop trying to find a place of wanting to be needed.

I want to become more like You; a beautiful woman of God.

Thank you for teaching me that “all things work for the good.” Romans 8:28

I can either choose to be irritable if things do not work out as planned, or I can accept the situation.

Teach me to fully accept Your Will.

Thank you for helping me not get discouraged with myself, You have begun good work in me.

Help me be gracious and accepting of Your plan.

“Trouble and distress have come upon me, but Your commands give me delight.” Psalm 119:43

Thank you for showing me that men can not treasure my heart like You, Lord.

I have let go of the bitterness that is set deep in my heart.

I know I deserve more, You have taught me that my heart is precious and worth being treasured. For You are not done with me yet, and there is so much joy I have to look forward to. Thank you, Jesus, my heart is Yours! Your love is forever.

 

 

 

Send me someone

 

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Lord, send me someone.

Send me someone who adores me.

Send me someone who cherishes me.

Someone who invites me to church.

Someone who wants to know how my day was.

Send me someone who wants to meet my family, learn where I came from, and why I am the way that I am.

Someone who doesn’t have to change me.

Send me someone who loves to take naps just as much as me.

Someone who is proud of my accomplishments.

Send me someone who prays for me.

Someone who builds me up instead of breaking me down.

Send me someone who will reassure my heart, and our relationship.

Send me someone who can love my heart just how it is.

Someone who wants me to meet their family and loved ones.

Send me someone who is so proud to call me theirs.

Someone who can communicate with me.

Someone who knows what they want.

Send me someone who isn’t afraid to show me off, instead of hiding me.

Someone who will do anything to make me happy.

Someone who takes their time to fix things when I am upset.

Someone who jokes with me.

Send me someone who makes me a better person.

Someone who looks at me differently than anyone else.

Send me someone who accepts my sassiness and stubborn attitude.

Send me someone who loves dogs and can forgive me when I bring home one too many.

Someone who knows how to take the blame and apologize when they have done wrong.

Send me someone who lights up when I walk into the room.

Someone who lets me cry, and is okay with it.

Send someone who won’t steal food off my plate.

Send me someone who is straight up with their intentions, problems, and what I can do to help.

Someone who forgives me for my previous mistakes.

Send someone who is loyal.

Send me someone who sees my heart for how it truly is.

Send me someone who loves me like You do, Lord.

I am in no rush, so when You’re ready… Send me that guy.

But first, help me.

Help me cope with my insecurities.

Help me become more patient.

Help me understand personalities that are unlike my own.

Help me love myself and allude confidence.

Help me get my priorities straight.

Teach me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Help me become the wife and mother my husband has always dreamed of… (the cooking needs some work).

Help me become more independent.

Help me become a light.

Help me establish my lifelong friends, my future bridesmaids.

Teach me to think before speaking, and not be easily-angered.

Help me see the positive in everything.

Help me be someone that attracts my future spouse spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.

Help me grow thick skin, and create a softer heart.

Teach me to put others before myself, take away my selfishness.

Teach me to listen, and not speak.

Teach me to listen to YOUR plan, and trust it.

Help me accomplish my goals.

Help me become a woman someone would be proud to be with.

Help me with my sassiness, Oh Lord… HELP ME WITH THE ‘TUDE.

Teach me to come to You before coming to others.

Teach me to search for a relationship with You before a relationship with a man.

Teach me to love like You, Lord.

Teach me.

 

 

WT -> TTU

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30 days until I move to Lubbock, Texas. THIRTY DAYS. My dream of attending Texas Tech University, and following my families footsteps to become a Red Raider is finally coming true. I swear I came out of the womb with my guns up, so when my parents recommended I just ‘try West Texas A&M University’ before transferring, my heart was broke. I had the grades, had been to over 50 Texas Tech athletic events, owned more Texas Tech t-shirts than anyone on this planet, and stuck with Tech EVEN through their terrible football seasons. One of my favorite childhood costumes was my Texas Tech cheerleading uniform. And seriously??? WT?? I did NOT want to go to a Division II college, that was fifteen minutes from my home. I wanted to be doing what I had always planned on doing. Where I am from, WTAMU was a school people went to, to save money, get better grades, or stay close to home. So going into college, my mind was set on transferring after my first year.

Now with my second year here at WT coming to an end, I am starting to become emotional. Attending WT was the best thing that has happened to me. I have made some of the best friends I have ever had while attending this school. The size of the school is literally perfect. It’s small enough to where you see at least five people you know walking across campus, but large enough that you are always able to meet new people. Your classes are small, your professors are invested in your education, and the “buff pride” is awesome. The opportunities are seriously endless. I joined a sorority, which is something I never in a million years thought I would do. Growing up in a household with a tight budget, I knew I would never be able to afford being a sorority girl. I met amazing people through the sorority, not only my sisters at the time, but also friends of my sisters who have became great friends of mine.

I met some of the best people I have ever had in my life. The best friends I started with are still my best friends today, and I also got to add a few to the list through this journey. Two of which I will be living with in the big LBK.

I applied to be a peer leader after my freshman year, which requires you to work each New Student Orientation in the summer for the incoming freshman, as well as get them hyped about college, and I believed I would be good for the job since WTAMU exceeded all my expectations. I figured, if I could fall in love with WT, I could hopefully get a few others excited to become a Buff. I was for sure it was meant for me and my attention-seeking, loud, enthusiastic character. I prayed about it for several weeks, and finally through a rollercoaster ride, I got the job. Peer leading was probably the biggest blessing that happened to me while at WT. May 2015 I met twenty-one complete strangers, who I now consider the coolest people I’ve ever met. So many different personalities, and all so caring and emotionally invested in each other’s lives, I was seriously blessed to be among such incredible people. They will not be getting invitations to my wedding, they’ll be asked to be in it. I mean if I could, I would make them all the godmothers and godfathers of my future children, that’s how cool they are.

Along with awesome peer leaders, sorority sisters, and just friends in general… one of the most inspiring humans I have ever met was staff at the university. Rick Haasl was my IDS teacher my freshman year, who slowly became my therapist, my “on campus dad,” and one of the most amazing men of God I have ever met. Any person who has met him will same the exact same thing, too. He has a heart of gold, and I have not left a conversation with him feeling like I had gotten bad advice. Anytime you talk to him, you leave feeling so confident and fulfilled. He makes you feel like so loved, and lets you know you are too. You cannot walk past him without leaving with a compliment or a hug. If I could, I would build an office for him in Lubbock, just so I can schedule appointments with him to talk about life.

This past month all I have done was wish that my move-in date was already here, and I could just pack up and be out of the dorms for good (FINALLY), and be living that big school college life. But on the other hand, I cannot take all the wonderful things WTAMU has presented to me, along with me. So dear sweet Jesus, please make this next month come slow. I don’t have much time left to appreciate this place. And although I am transferring and moving on, I will always, always, always be glad I was a West Texas A&M Buff.

*sings the WT fight song from heart* *cries*