Why I’ll wait

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There are many reasons why I’ll wait to give my heart to someone to love.

First off, I don’t want to give my heart to someone who is undeserving. Why give my fragile, feminine heart to someone who won’t fully appreciate it? I deserve to be looked after; I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be thought of first.

There are so many men who claim they are ready to pursue someone’s heart, but fail to learn how to love someone. Immaturity, honestly. Not that they are immature as a person, they just have yet to prepare themselves to be committed or unselfish.

There are many times when I have tried to give my heart, time, and attention to a guy who was not ready. Either they have yet to figure out how to love themselves without requiring another person to tell them why they’re worthy of it, or they simply thought they were ready to fully care for someone, but weren’t or changed their mind.

Secondly, I have grown up with separated parents. When I was eight years old, my parents divorced. Although the divorce was definitely for the better, and created a stronger relationship between my brother and I, and our parents… it was hard.

Divorce happens, and I got to witness it firsthand. Sometimes there is no other option, but it’s difficult for everyone who is affected by it. My mom had to put a brave face on and act like nothing was wrong for the sake of my brother and I. My dad had to work his butt off to get to where he is today; he started from the bottom to get to where he is today.

I am beyond thankful that I went through a family crisis, it made me who I am today. It also taught me that divorce WILL NOT be an option when I get married.

My life was great. I was still raised by two loving parents who cared for my brother and I more than anything. I am happy with the person I am today; I have overcome many adversities in my life that have shaped me and my heart.

But no doubt, it stunk. I had to pack every weekend to go from house to house. We weren’t as wealthy as the other students in my school district which made it hard for me to understand why I couldn’t always do the things my classmates got to do. The divorce definitely humbled me, I think if it wouldn’t have happened then I would be more of a spoiled brat than I already am. At times I was also put in positions to choose between my father and my mother, and I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it feels to go through that. When we got to choose whether we wanted to spend a holiday with mom or dad, I honestly wanted to choose neither. I didn’t want one to even doubt for a second I loved the other more. You feel like they have a count going, which parent you prefer more… what you did for one, but not for the other. And when you have to listen to people (even your own family members) talk bad about people you love, it puts you in an uncomfortable position especially at a young age. I finally just tuned it out, I knew the divorce made people upset at one another… but it happened.

So I pray my kids never have to go through that. I want them to know without a doubt the love their parents have for each other. I want my kids to get embarrassed when their parents show too much PDA. I want them to think of their parents when they hear the words “unconditional love.”

Trust is a big issue I have. Giving someone my trust is a hard thing for me to do, and at our age there’s not many guys I think I would trust in a relationship. I have witnessed many people in happy relationships (supposedly) do or say things that I’m sure their other half wouldn’t be too happy about. And I’m not saying all guys are untrustworthy,  I know many that are too! And girls vice versa. Of course at our age, it’s kind of a given. There’s so many temptations around us, and some just don’t know how to ignore them.

It’s also hard to find good men because we are looking for them in all the wrong places. I feel like the only chance I will get to meet my future spouse is at Chimy’s on a Friday night when they have some liquid courage to say something that catches my attention. Why can’t it just be easy? It seems like I make the first move for guys I’m interested in and it never works out, or guys actually get the guts to say something and it doesn’t work out. Why can’t I just meet a good lookin’ boy in class who will quote The Office with me, and that wants to have deeper conversations than just one worded texts with “what’s up” being the beginning of every conversation? That doesn’t happen anymore, not for our generation at least.

I’ve seen so many of my friends settle. I’ve seen my friends get treated like dirt because they think they can’t do better. FUN FACT: YOU CAN. It’s so hard watching people you love not get appreciated in the ways they deserve. But I’m one to talk… I’ve settled in relationships before, just because I was tired of being lonely. I thought someone was “the one” and I wasted valuable time on someone when I could be working on myself to prepare my heart to find THE ACTUAL ONE. I allowed someone into my heart that was undeserving. I pictured what my future husband would say to me, or how he would treat me, and I allowed someone to treat me differently. And that’s when I learned that it takes time. The worst part is waiting; the best part will be having someone that was worth the wait.

So yeah, I get upset that I have yet to find that person… it totally gets lonely, but I would rather be upset and impatient now than heartbroken in the future. That’s why I’ll wait.