I love you, but I need to be alone

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I am all about learning about personalities, self-discovery, and understanding how to manage relationships with different personalities.

I have recently discovered that I am an ISFJ personality, which stands for introvert, sensing, feeling, judging type of personality. They are also considered the “Nurturer” which makes sense since I am also an enneagram 2, “Helper”.

Through reading books, articles, and researching about these types, I have discovered so much about myself! I find it so important to understand your identity and identifying your strengths and weaknesses as a person. Not only can you begin to thrive on those strengths, you can work on improving your weaknesses. The more I become comfortable with my identity, the more confident I become in who I am.

All of my life I have assumed I am an extrovert. I guess I have always assumed that because people peg me to be more talkative than shy, that I must be extroverted. When I think of introverts, I think of my boyfriend, Blaine. However, we are two completely different types of introverts. Blaine is shy in social situations and doesn’t talk very much, but he is always around friends, family, and other people all the time and never gets tired of it. I, on the other hand, am very talkative and engage in all conversations in social situations, but I enjoy being alone and would most likely choose to stay home alone rather than go hang out with a lot of people.

I have also discovered it is a lot more difficult for me to make “best friends” than it is for other people. I find that I need to make an emotional, deep connection with someone before I can really call someone a true friend. The problem is, I am reserved and protect myself until someone initiates that deeper connection. And as soon as I feel like I may not be accepted by that person or that we may not be completely compatible, I start to distance myself.

Though I am reserved in certain areas, I have well-developed people skills and robust social relationships. Both enneagram 2’s and ISFJ’s tend to overload themselves by trying to meet other’s needs without meeting their own. As a “Helper” I feel the need to put others before myself, so when I’m in social situations it can be draining when I feel as if my needs aren’t being met. I feel pressured to please, but I also feel my effort is not always reciprocated.

I am constantly trying to improve and develop as a person, and with that, it’s hard for me to stay committed to friendships/relationships that don’t help me grow as a person. I am continually on the move to get better in some way and grow, so if I don’t feel like I am being supported in that growth, then I am not committed to those people. If I don’t feel supported 100% or trust that I can rely on someone for anything, it’s hard for me to give that support back since it can be such a draining process for me. I find that my strongest friendships are those who value honest friendships that have a deeper meaning than just someone I can have fun with. I find value in those who talk about their lives, about their problems, and about their emotions. Introverts don’t get lonely if they don’t socialize with a lot of people, but we get lonely if we don’t have intimate interactions on a regular basis.

I thrive in small group settings, where I can be myself without feeling judged, where I don’t feel pressure to please, and where I know there are no specific requirements of me. I also love deep intellectual conversations that challenge me.

I enjoy my time alone. I enjoy being able to freely be whomever I want to be without feeling the pressures of pleasing people, entertaining, or being who they want me to be. It is emotionally and mentally exhausting for me to be around too many people for too long. My social interactions have an expiration date.

I love being in my environment, in my atmosphere. I value time to myself. I enjoy self-reflecting, journaling, and growing as an individual. I love to paint and take on a lot of projects that I can do on my own, in my own time, in my environment. I enjoy hanging out with me. I prefer to drive my car, being able to listen to my music, go where I want to go, leave when I want to leave. I enjoy running errands by myself; if I am with other people, I feel the pressure to not take too long or pressure to stay longer than I anticipated. I enjoy working alone; I usually have a plan and a thought process, and if others interfere, I can’t achieve it the way I see it being achieved.

I also love having a routine. I love waking up, having my coffee, and watching the Office or Friends while I get ready for my day. I love being home at 6:30 to watch the Wheel of Fortune, and then at 7:00 for whatever show I’m watching at the time whether that be The Voice, The Bachelor, or Texas Tech sports. I truly am an “old soul;” I love jigsaw puzzles, game shows, sudoku, doing crosswords, and doing things that challenge my mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being around people. I want to be invited to everything and to feel like I’m wanted, but I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to be around you just because I decline an invitation. I am fearful that I will no longer be invited if I decline enough invitations, but I truly cannot be my happiest and highest self if I don’t recharge. I know many people who are completely fine with being around others for hours and days at a time, but it’s just not me. I need people in my life that don’t take offense to my decline of an invitation but understand that I just need to recharge. Yet, many times, the need to please overcomes the need to recharge and spend some time alone. I hate hate HATE disappointing people, so I end up in situations I would usually not choose to be in, and in a mood that isn’t my best self. The more I put myself in those situations in order to not upset other people, the more drained I become.

The good thing about me is that you cannot talk to me for three weeks and then talk to me, and I’ll be fine and still care about you the way I did before. The bad thing is that I do that to people that don’t understand that sometimes I don’t feel like interacting with people. I’ve had several friendships that slowly fade away because of my preference for solitude. Though I grieve those friendships and wish they would continue, I also know that my need to spend quality time alone and recharge is important to me and I need people in my life who understand that. I enjoy my quiet time more than I like being surrounded by constant noise and distractions.

Recharging is a necessity. At times I may seem distant, anti-social, and a party pooper, but that’s because I need to recharge. The problem is there is no polite way of telling friends and family, “I love you but I need to be alone right now,” without the assumption that something is wrong or I don’t want to be with them. I cannot give when I am empty, and I cannot love if I have not given time to love myself. I need quality time alone before I can spend quality time with others.

My alone time comes with an expiration date also. When I’ve spent too much time alone, I feel antsy and need to go do something. Humans are made for connection; we cannot survive alone. Although I love my alone time, we all feel the need to be connected to one another. It is so important to find relationships that encourage your growth, your self care, and your happiness. Find those who understand you and accept you for it.

I’ve always been friends with people who are social all the time, and I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in. I didn’t understand why I was so uncomfortable in certain situations, and why I never had the same attitude as everyone else in those situations. Through this process of understanding more about myself, I’ve learned that I am different.

One of my favorite bible verses is Psalms 139:14. ” I praise you because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” He made us all so wonderful. In Jeremiah 1:5 the Word reads: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” We are perfectly made in him, and we should celebrate our differences. God loves us so much, and loves us the way He created us.

Fitting in, pleasing others, and doing what everyone wants me to do/expects me to do does not make me happy; it only gives me anxiety and brings my insecurities to center stage. Finding people who understand that I still love them even though I don’t want to be with them 24/7 is crucial to the formation of my friendships and relationships. In order to win me over, the situation has to be better than my solitude; it has to seem more comforting to me than my comfort zone.

I wrote this blog since I have discovered so much about myself during this self-isolation period, but also so others would get a better understanding of who I am. I’ve learned to accept that not everyone is going to love me or the way I choose self-care, but the Lord loves me and no human will ever be able to meet my deepest needs; only God can do that.

So, if you are reading this and you have any type of relationship with me, know that I LOVE YOU AND LOVE BEING AROUND YOU. I just love being alone, too.

Ask, seek, knock

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I have become good friends with rejection lately. The last couple of months, I have received countless rejection emails and phone calls. I had an idea of what I would be doing after graduation, but God had a different plan. I was sure that after graduating near the top of my class with a Bachelor’s degree, a job would come along EASILY. I was wrong.

At first, I was very accepting of the constant “no” and awkward phone calls; I knew God had something even better planned. I was even a little excited knowing there was a new unexpected and unplanned adventure coming my way. But then, the third and fourth and fifth “no” came along, and I began to feel unqualified, unable, and unworthy. I was becoming discouraged and doubtful.

For half of the rejections I was getting, I knew I was more than capable of doing the job. I was confident knowing that I had potential of officially receiving a “CONGRATS,” just to be knocked down again. Along with that, I had to continue to update others on every door closed for me. Talking about it, and getting the “it wasn’t meant to be, but something will come along” conversation made me feel worse. I was working a part-time job with other girls who had just finished high school, and half the time I would come home crying, praying to God to open a door for me.

Sometimes, I felt like I was failing my parents, my teachers, my school, and my education. Everyone was doing something with their lives, and I was still trying to figure out my purpose. What I didn’t know, was while I was throwing myself a pity party, God was waiting for me to discover His plan.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.” Matthew 7:7

Ask, seek, knock! HE IS LISTENING! While it is okay to grieve over things that we did not receive, it is not okay to continue to strive for something He continually tells us is not for us. We may miss an invitation to the transformation of our heart, and our life.

I am so glad God did not let me receive any of the positions I thought that I wanted. I was desperately applying for everything, just to be able to say I had a plan. As many times as the “no’s” knocked me down, God’s final “YES!!” was so uplifting and so worth the rejections.

When I was offered this position, it just felt right. I had never considered going to graduate school, or continuing my education past my Bachelor’s degree, but when the opportunity arose, I felt called to it. I have found my purpose. HE IS ABLE. HE IS FAITHFUL. HE IS GOOD. Sending praises and praises of thankfulness!!

I have officially accepted a Graduate Assistant position at West Texas A&M University in the Athletics department, and I am going to be continuing my education for a Masters of Arts degree in Communication! Go buffs (AGAIN)!!!!

A new adventure awaits, and I am grateful for the opportunity!

 

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“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

Being present in my life is something I fail at daily. I am fearful, worrisome, and doubt the Lord’s plans for me.

I have always looked to the future instead of appreciating life as it is handed to me. “If only I can get through today,” which would turn into “if I can make it through this week,” which turned into months and eventually landed me here… a month from graduation. I was so concerned about the future and the “next big thing,” that my presence in the present was nonexistent.

Most of my time was spent dwelling on past or preparing for the future, rather than just living in the present moment. What we end up doing is passing through that moment on the way to somewhere else and we miss the moment. That’s how life ends up passing us by; we do it to ourselves. When living and focusing only on the past and the future, we miss the peace and freedom that is given to us in the now.

While planning for the future and preparing yourself is definitely ideal, I wish I would have made some mistakes, worried less, and soaked every moment in. I spent my time asking God to do things in my life instead of just thanking Him for what He has already done. I was telling Him my plans instead of just waiting to see how His were going to play out. I missed out on the full enjoyment of moments, enhancing relationships in the present, and being able to just relax.

This year, I really realized and meditated on the fact that all the wonderful things that happened in my life these were not according to my plans; they were all God’s plans for me.

Tomorrow isn’t even guaranteed so why am I spending all my time worrying about tomorrow, when I could be appreciating the time given to me today?

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber

I am learning to be engaged and present in the last few moments as an undergrad. There are so many big moments in my life still to come, so I am excited to just be fully aware of God’s presence in my life and not be so distracted by tomorrow. My time as a college student has come and gone so I no longer have a chance to sit in those moments and take full advantage of the time given to me (I act as if my life is ending now that I am graduating… RIP). Plans may change, but His goodness and faithfulness are still true.

His pursuit is greater than your ability to wander. He does not fail, His word does not fail, His promises do not fail, and His plans do not fail. In the middle of chaos, He will make a way.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11

So, I am slowly learning that until God opens the next door, to praise Him in the hallway. I am looking forward to the many things to come in my life this next year and new season of “adulting.” For once in my life, I do not have a plan. Living life according to God’s timing!

“To everything, there is a season, and time for every purpose under Heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever circumstances come up when the time comes.

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I have dreamed of the man that I am going to be with since I was a little girl. I have prayed for him every single day and tried to put together what he was like until I met you.

The second I met you, I knew I would end up falling for you. You were what I had been praying for, and it was finally my turn to love and be loved. I knew I loved you then. You met every need and exceeded every expectation I had for “the one.” It was just proof that God answers prayers.

My dad told me the weekend we met to not get my hopes up because it doesn’t always work out. But, I didn’t care. I risked heartbreak and went all in because I knew you were the only person in the world I would want to pursue. I didn’t want to be doubtful and risk ruining the potential of something great. It takes a lot to get my attention and keep it, and you kept it for eight months before we even got to meet. The weekend we met I was so nervous; I wanted to be impress you and be everything you wanted. I was so comfortable from the first night; it just felt right.

You wanted me to meet your family, you wanted to spend time with me, you wanted me.

All my life I have chased love and someone to love. I didn’t believe someone would make it so easy. I believed I would have to make a lot of sacrifices and changes in order to be loved. I believed I would have to give up on my perception of love and what it really meant. But I didn’t when I met you. It was easy to fall in love with you; you met every expectation.

Before you, I settled. I settled for men that didn’t deserve my heart and tried to make me believe that my image of love was wrong and never going to happen. I started to doubt love. But after all of that, I decided I wasn’t going to allow that to change my ambition to find the love that is stated within the Bible. I knew love was out there, and I didn’t care if I ended up alone for the rest of my life. I was not going to allow anyone to love me less than I deserved. I wasn’t going to force myself to love someone. Then you came along and it was easy. It was so easy to fall in love with you.

You love me for all the reasons that no one else has, and for that, I knew you were the one.

My heart is so full when you walk in the room; I told you once before, I get so excited just when you’re in my presence. You make me so happy. I have so much fun with you. We could be doing absolutely nothing together and there’s nothing in the world I would rather do.

I have my doubts and my moments of fear, just from past experiences. I am so in love with you that I am scared of losing you. You seriously, 100%, make my life complete. Everything I do, somehow relates back to you. I want to be the greatest woman you’ve ever met. I want to serve you as a woman of God. I want to push you in your relationship with Christ, to lead me in my relationship. I want to be attractive in all ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally (still working on emotionally, since I cry like every two minutes). I want my future to be with you, and I somehow end up planning my future with you in the back of my mind. I want to be fearless and confident in this relationship.

So just know, I am in it to win it. I may need my reassurance from time to time, but I don’t want anything else.

I don’t know how I haven’t scared you away yet, but I am so thankful you have stuck around. God really does provide, and I can’t thank Him enough for putting us together. Who would have known that a direct message on Instagram would lead us to this? You’re my person, and I love you unconditionally.

He provides.

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I love blogging because it’s eye-opening for me to go back to when I wrote my first blog and see how much my life has changed since then. It’s been quite the journey; starting college, dating, heartbreaks, transferring universities, and now soon to be graduating from college.

Just two and a half years ago, I wrote Send me Someone which really went into depth of the man I prayed God to send me. I prayed for a man who would want, love, and pursue me in ways I had never been pursued before. But, before he sent me that man, I wanted him to change me. I wanted him to heal my heart, help me love my insecurities, and help me draw closer to Him in all aspects of my life.

He provides. He ALWAYS provides.

The Lord’s presence in my life the last couple years has been undeniably noticeable, overwhelming, and extraordinary. My relationship with Him has flourished, my prayer life has improved, and I hope to continue to watch it grow and hope to become an even stronger woman of God.

While He has helped me change my heart and attitude towards everyday life, I do still notice some past insecurities show up and reveal themselves once again. I am far from perfect, and I know there is always room to grow and improve, but I have loved loved LOVED the changes I have seen in me thus far.

Changing my mindset has changed my life drastically. I have expected good things to happen to me and good things are happening. I have thrown out most of the things Satan says while trying to convince me that I am not worthy or enough (still working on it). If you know me, you know that I have always worried as well as overthink every situation in my life. I didn’t fully trust what God was unfolding before me, and I have been frightened of change. Thankfully, I have mostly let go of the fear that has been holding me back for so long and let go of my anxious, worrisome mind. It is such a new and refreshing type of freedom to understand that whatever God has planned for my life is a good and gracious plan.

For a long time, I have prayed for God to send me my person. He did just that this year after countless nights of praying, meditating on the Word, and reading relationship book after relationship book. He sent me someone who has pursued my heart and wanted me in ways I never thought was possible. Satan tried to convince me to settle and tell me that my standards were too high, but God proved him wrong (again and again). I knew from the beginning of Blaine and I’s relationship that God had amazing plans for the both of us together and apart.

Blaine makes me giggle, which is my favorite thing about him. I didn’t know I could fall in love with a laugh until I fell hard for his. He makes me want to become a better woman of God. He’s adventurous, and fun, and selfless. He makes me want to be more loving, more accepting, more positive, and more giving. He makes me want to be a better person every single day. He makes me feel so comfortable and so confident with my true self. He allows me to be goofy. And loud. And competitive. And sassy. And that clingy girlfriend that just wants to hang out all the time. He has loved all of the parts of me that I thought I needed to change. He doesn’t get annoyed with me when I need a few reassuring words, or even when I want to call him even after we have been together for a month straight and I already miss him after 24 hours (whoops). I trust him with my whole heart, and that is something that has always been difficult for me.  He is my safe place.

It is still early in our relationship, but I have enjoyed getting to know him every single day and falling in love with his kind heart. God’s plan is so remarkable and unpredictable, I have no clue what He has in store for my future. What I do know, is that He is good, His plan is good, and everything happens because He has a reason for it. So while I hope Blaine and I continue to grow together and love one another for a very long time, I know that my plan may be different than God’s and whatever happens… it is good.

My life will soon change drastically in a few months as I graduate college and pursue a career, and I am so excited. I never thought I would be ready to graduate and move on with life, but I am READY. No, I have no plan or any idea what I will be doing after May 19, 2018… but I do know whatever coming is good.

So while my journey has been an interesting and marvelous one, I hope yours has been too. I hope you are confident in the Lord and His plans, and anxious (in a good way) to see what He unfolds before you in this life. Know that good is coming and He never fails. He fulfills His promises, and He wins every. single. time.

He provides.

 

Love That Lasts

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It has been a long season of waiting for me. My last relationship was over a year and a half ago, and left me with so much clarity about love and life and what I wanted. I was ready to pursue God with all my heart, I was ready to change, and I was ready for a new beginning.

It was a roller coaster ride for me. I had always been in relationships, and putting my identity in relationships instead of in Christ. I had to learn to be single, and not rely on a man to tell me my worth. I wanted to change, I wanted the real thing.

This season was dedicated to learning how to be slow to anger, quick to listen, and slow to speak. I wanted to fix many things about myself before I pursued someone else. I wanted to fix my insecurities, my fears, and all the wrong things that I thought I knew about love and relationships. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to put all of my energy in becoming a better “Bailee” and focusing on my future. Of course, in the back of my mind, I thought about love and a relationship… as many girls do.

I “dated” guys, and considered pursuing a relationship with a few of them. But I wasn’t going to settle, and the moment I knew there was nothing worth pursuing, I decided to end things. That was a big deal for me; I was choosing to be single in this world full of engagement posts and updated relationship statuses.

I prayed everyday for God to send me my “someone.” I was ready to work and I wanted to be someone that a man had always wanted. I wanted to finally love the way that God had taught me in this season of being single. I wanted to put myself to the test.

Finally meeting a man totally worth pursuing, and being the person that I am, I craved perfection. I did not want to mess it up. I had FINALLY been attracted to someone for everything that they were and I wanted them to be attracted to me in all the same ways. I wanted to love and serve in a way I had learned in my season of waiting from the Bible and church services.

Then, my best friend Lauren (who is getting married to the love of her life in June!!!!), posted about this book “Love That Lasts.” At the bottom of the cover, it read “How We Discovered God’s Better Way for Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex.” I bought it on Amazon for $12 I believe, and it was the best $12 I have ever spent.

I read the book in about a week… I couldn’t put it down. I had read many other books that were related to the same topic i.e. religion and love. But this one was REAL about love. It changed my perspective on a lot of things in a week!! It’s written by a husband and a wife, alternating chapters. I find myself relating to both of them all of the time, and I even went back and started highlighting throughout their chapters because they had so much wisdom all throughout the book.

Their love story is not a normal love story, which was endearing to me. It isn’t a fairy tale, and they don’t believe they are each other’s soulmates. They aren’t each other’s “everything,” but they have an unconditional love for one another. They love Jesus more than they love each other, and they don’t “need each other’s love.” Their story is an interesting perspective to love and marriage.

While I still hope to be “good enough”, I know perfection is unrealistic and there will always be room for improvement on becoming a better woman of God. There’s so many things I still struggle with even after the year and a half of working on myself, but I have finally accepted that someone will want you despite the flaws. It’s so exciting to meet someone who makes you want to be that person, who makes you want to be a better version of yourself.

While I am perfectly flawed and still struggle with many insecurities and fears, this book made me realize how imperfect and flawed love is. Love is hard work, and it’s something that is ongoing work. Obsessing with perfection puts an unrealistic expectation on our relationships that will ultimately end in failure. I am so excited for this new journey and I really hope you all read this book as well!

My heart has been put to a challenge and I can’t wait to discover all the good that comes from it! If you want a good read that will change your heart, I encourage you to read this book!!

If you are interested in purchasing the book, here is the link for a $12 paperback!! I even included a free preview of it! So worth it!

Living fearlessly

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The amount of times I have broken down crying this year is ridiculous. It’s just a weird time of my life, and I hate the fact that I don’t have a plan.

I have always been the type of person who has had a plan; my calendar and reminders are what keep me sane.

I will be graduating in May, which I was not expecting. I honestly thought I would at least be graduating a semester late since I changed my major so much, but here I am; graduating in less than a year with no clue where my life is headed.

This is the year I receive the “what are your plans after graduation?” question frequently. And I am going to have to answer with “you know, I have absolutely no clue.”

I even keep trying to come up with ways to stay in school, so my date to enter the real world can be further into the future when I don’t have to worry about it.

The more people ask me about my life, the more I stress. The more I worry about finding a job, a husband, a place to live, etc., the more doubts I have, the more fears I have.

I feel as if everyone is moving on with their life, and here I am. Still just going through the motions everyday, watching everybody do something around me while I stand still.

And that’s just me being selfish; as happy as I am to see people grow and God’s plans for their lives starting to unfold, I can’t help but be impatient.

I know I am not the only one feeling this way; as I turn to my friends for some words of encouragement and advice, I find they feel the same way. This time in our lives is just a time where we are finally about to find out what we are really made of. It’s time. We are about to start really “adulting,” even though we doubt how ready we are.

So I decided, this was my year to finally live fearlessly. I have prayed on it many times and I am finally starting to let go of the fact that I am not in control of my future.

God’s plan for me is far more extraordinary than I can even fathom. I literally have no clue where my life is headed. I have no hints either… but, I decided it was time to finally let go of all the doubts and fears that Satan has placed in my head.

I encourage everyone to purchase and read Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind. It is such a good read; I read it in two days. Especially at this time in my life, I have just been allowing Satan to take over my happiness and my faith in God’s plan.

One of my favorite chapters of the book talks about how if you do not believe good things are going to happen to you, they won’t. You have to believe that there is good to come. I  even find myself saying “I’m never going to find a job,” or “I am going to be single forever,” or “I’ll never find my place.” Satan continues to attack us with doubt and disbelief because he knows how dangerous we can be with a heart full of faith.

Why am I so fearful of what is to come? God has a plan, “a plan to prosper you and not harm you, to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Why am I so doubtful of my future? I can continue to make plans, but only the Lord’s plans will prevail. Proverbs 19:21.

Why am I so anxious? “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31.

The change of heart and the renewal of my mind have drastically changed the way I live my life. I KNOW I will graduate and get a job, and be a successful woman. I KNOW one day, I will find the love of my life if I patiently wait and trust His plan. I KNOW I will end up where I need to be, doing what I need to do, with whom I need to be with. I will continue to grow in this renewal and definitely struggle at times, but this upcoming year will be most challenging, and that’s why I want to live fearless in faith and in His plans.

“Lord, my heart is overwhelmed and worrisome. I know I am impatient and prone to worry. Help me rest in Your promises today. Renew my joy in this season of waiting so I do not miss Your presence. Defend me from the enemy who tells me there is no hope. Let your grace alone be enough for me. Cast out the doubt, teach me to not be a slave to negative emotions. Because of your grace and spirit, I can tell those emotions to be removed and to turn my eyes to things of You, instead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Why I’ll wait

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There are many reasons why I’ll wait to give my heart to someone to love.

First off, I don’t want to give my heart to someone who is undeserving. Why give my fragile, feminine heart to someone who won’t fully appreciate it? I deserve to be looked after; I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be thought of first.

There are so many men who claim they are ready to pursue someone’s heart, but fail to learn how to love someone. Immaturity, honestly. Not that they are immature as a person, they just have yet to prepare themselves to be committed or unselfish.

There are many times when I have tried to give my heart, time, and attention to a guy who was not ready. Either they have yet to figure out how to love themselves without requiring another person to tell them why they’re worthy of it, or they simply thought they were ready to fully care for someone, but weren’t or changed their mind.

Secondly, I have grown up with separated parents. When I was eight years old, my parents divorced. Although the divorce was definitely for the better, and created a stronger relationship between my brother and I, and our parents… it was hard.

Divorce happens, and I got to witness it firsthand. Sometimes there is no other option, but it’s difficult for everyone who is affected by it. My mom had to put a brave face on and act like nothing was wrong for the sake of my brother and I. My dad had to work his butt off to get to where he is today; he started from the bottom to get to where he is today.

I am beyond thankful that I went through a family crisis, it made me who I am today. It also taught me that divorce WILL NOT be an option when I get married.

My life was great. I was still raised by two loving parents who cared for my brother and I more than anything. I am happy with the person I am today; I have overcome many adversities in my life that have shaped me and my heart.

But no doubt, it stunk. I had to pack every weekend to go from house to house. We weren’t as wealthy as the other students in my school district which made it hard for me to understand why I couldn’t always do the things my classmates got to do. The divorce definitely humbled me, I think if it wouldn’t have happened then I would be more of a spoiled brat than I already am. At times I was also put in positions to choose between my father and my mother, and I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it feels to go through that. When we got to choose whether we wanted to spend a holiday with mom or dad, I honestly wanted to choose neither. I didn’t want one to even doubt for a second I loved the other more. You feel like they have a count going, which parent you prefer more… what you did for one, but not for the other. And when you have to listen to people (even your own family members) talk bad about people you love, it puts you in an uncomfortable position especially at a young age. I finally just tuned it out, I knew the divorce made people upset at one another… but it happened.

So I pray my kids never have to go through that. I want them to know without a doubt the love their parents have for each other. I want my kids to get embarrassed when their parents show too much PDA. I want them to think of their parents when they hear the words “unconditional love.”

Trust is a big issue I have. Giving someone my trust is a hard thing for me to do, and at our age there’s not many guys I think I would trust in a relationship. I have witnessed many people in happy relationships (supposedly) do or say things that I’m sure their other half wouldn’t be too happy about. And I’m not saying all guys are untrustworthy,  I know many that are too! And girls vice versa. Of course at our age, it’s kind of a given. There’s so many temptations around us, and some just don’t know how to ignore them.

It’s also hard to find good men because we are looking for them in all the wrong places. I feel like the only chance I will get to meet my future spouse is at Chimy’s on a Friday night when they have some liquid courage to say something that catches my attention. Why can’t it just be easy? It seems like I make the first move for guys I’m interested in and it never works out, or guys actually get the guts to say something and it doesn’t work out. Why can’t I just meet a good lookin’ boy in class who will quote The Office with me, and that wants to have deeper conversations than just one worded texts with “what’s up” being the beginning of every conversation? That doesn’t happen anymore, not for our generation at least.

I’ve seen so many of my friends settle. I’ve seen my friends get treated like dirt because they think they can’t do better. FUN FACT: YOU CAN. It’s so hard watching people you love not get appreciated in the ways they deserve. But I’m one to talk… I’ve settled in relationships before, just because I was tired of being lonely. I thought someone was “the one” and I wasted valuable time on someone when I could be working on myself to prepare my heart to find THE ACTUAL ONE. I allowed someone into my heart that was undeserving. I pictured what my future husband would say to me, or how he would treat me, and I allowed someone to treat me differently. And that’s when I learned that it takes time. The worst part is waiting; the best part will be having someone that was worth the wait.

So yeah, I get upset that I have yet to find that person… it totally gets lonely, but I would rather be upset and impatient now than heartbroken in the future. That’s why I’ll wait.

Mom

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Mom, thank you for being the best mother any growing woman needs.

You were there for me through everything.

Every heartbreak, you were there to comfort me.

Every fight with a friend, you were there to help me fix it.

Every decision, you were there to help me make it.

Thank you for answering the phone when I call.

Thank you for cooking me breakfast when you know I had a rough day prior.

Thank you for doing all the “adulting” things that I have yet to figure out.

But most of all, thank you for never giving up on being the best mother you could possibly be.

I know it wasn’t easy.

I know I was hard to live with.

I know it was hard making decisions that I wouldn’t necessarily like.

I know it was hard telling me no.

I know it was hard fighting with me.

But thank you for living with me.

Thank you for making decisions that I would later thank you for.

Thank you for telling me no.

Thank you for fighting with me when I didn’t know I was in the wrong.

You’re the mother I strive to be like.

You’re the woman I strive to become.

Thank you for teaching me how to create my own happiness.

You taught me to stay focused on my relationship with the Heavenly Father, and to trust in His plans.

I pray you never ever doubt for a second that you have been a bad mother.

I only hope one day I can make homemade macaroni and spaghetti like you.

Thank you for teaching me that sarcasm is just a second love language.

I am slowly turning into a version of you… I hear your voice in my voice, your laugh in my laugh, and your attitude and sarcasm in my words.

Who knew that “omg I sound like my mother” could be such a comforting statement.

Thank you for giving me the absolute worst haircut you could give to a 3-year-old girl… it made for some funny pictures.

Thank you for always being that what seemed to be an “overbearing, overprotective, strict” parent.

I am now very thankful for that.

I have learned the value of independence because of you.

Even when you were in your darkest days, you never once let me see it.

You were strong.

You were selfless.

You were incredible.

I pray you know how hard it is now knowing that you only ever had my best interest at heart.

You taught me what an unconditional love really was.

Thank you for your often “I’m proud of you” texts.

Thank you for working your booty off to provide for me.

Thank you for showing me that there is joy and peace in loving yourself.

Thank you for supporting me in all I do, and helping me become the best woman of God I can be.

I love you, Momma.

‘Tis the season for engagements

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I want to start this blog by congratulating all the happy couples that got engaged this year! What an exciting time in your life. To be honest, I creep on your Instagram after every engagement and pray that I am invited to the wedding (even if I have no clue who you are). Weddings are my favorite; just watching love do its thing is so cool. So congratulations on finding “the One,” and I pray your house is filled with Jesus and love forever!

But, this post is not for you. It’s for us single ladies who secretly get discouraged every post we see. Y’all, I’m right there with you. I always pictured myself finding my soulmate in college and getting engaged before I graduated. And as the my graduation date comes nearer, I start to realize that God has different plans. But, every single day He shows me why His plan is far greater than what I can comprehend.

My parents have been there through every breakup, every tear shed over every guy who has hurt me, and every overreaction I have had due to a relationship. And every time my Dad says something like “Bailee, your time will come. And it will usually come when you least expect it.” But, HELLO. How am I supposed to patiently wait for my soulmate when I have dreamed of becoming a bride since before I could do simple multiplication? I had the bridal Barbie, watched every movie that pertained to weddings, and of course binge-watched “Say Yes to the Dress“. On top of that, it feels like I am surrounded by happy couples and Facebook reminders to insure I know that everyone is engaged except for me.

There have been times in my life when I have even started to wonder why His plan is the way that it is. I started to ask God what I was doing so wrong. Do I ask for too much? Am I just picky? Are my standard too high? What is so wrong with me? One night I was really feeling down as I was driving around Lubbock (probably just being overemotional), and turned on KLOVE to jam to some Jesus tunes. During a commercial break, the DJ read off the verse Ephesians 3:20-21 which reads “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that words in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever!” She went on about how we do not need to become discouraged, God will give you what you have asked for if you just stay patient. It was really an eye opener for me.

With that said, I may ask for a husband, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get one. While I catch myself thinking about my future with my future hubby, there is no promise that He will give me one. I may be single forever and while that scares the heckins out of me, I know my joy comes from the Lord. No man will ever take His place, nor be the only thing that will bring light to my life. My eyes are set on the Son, and if He thinks I should be single… so be it.

I also want to state how I tend to write out what my perfect man will possess. Even in my past blogs, I have written many things about what I want my husband to be like or act like. And to be honest, I have met many men who probably meet 98% of the criteria of the things that I “think” that I want. But man, it goes so beyond that. I may think I have a plan for my life, and I may think I have life all figured out, but God has a funny way of showing me that He is the one in control.

Y’all, His plan for us is beyond what we can even fathom. Everyone’s timeline is different. Patience has always been something I have struggled with until this year. We are young. We have all of our lives to find the earthly someone to whom our hearts belong! But while we wait for him, know that your cherished and feminine heart ultimately belongs to the Lord Almighty. It’s a lot easier to work on ourselves to become the women of God that our husbands are seeking than to continue to search everyday to find the man of God that is set out to cherish us forever.

I am not going to settle for someone just because I like to think that I am ready. I am not going to settle just because I become dismayed that everyone else is taking that “next step” in their life. I want that everlasting love that God has set out for me! While my plan may not be the exact same as His, I know He knows better.

I don’t want to ever go through a divorce. I never want to have to wonder if my marriage is still genuine and full of love. So while we all celebrate our friends and loved ones moving on with their lives, let’s embrace this time of ours and enjoy the process. Let’s be engaged into our lives right now and not worry about the future. Let’s trust the Lord in His planning and His timing. And let us pray to Him and rely on Him in the times we are not so sure of ourselves. Keep doin’ you.